Audition - Troop Recall

 
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Doc Forrest
Jihaddi


Joined: 07 May 2004
Posts: 28
Location: Brisbane, Australia

PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2004 11:09 am    Post subject: Audition - Troop Recall Reply with quote

One cold morning in Brisbane...

"Yeah, yeah, I'm up, I'm up..." 'Doc' Forrest King awoke to a vibrating phone. "Hello, ScyTech Industries, Better Living Through Esoteric Technology, Doc speaking," he spoke, running off the spiel of his company.

"This is Forrest King?" The voice on the opposite end asked.

"Yes." Doc was a little bit puzzled. No one used his full name. Not for the last five years, at least. Not since the dissolution of the Jihad.

"The bird has flown the coop." This phrase triggered a memory in Doc's mind. This phrase was part of a code.

"The chain was broken," Doc replied.

"Turn on your Linker." >click< The phone went dead. Things were beginning to fall into place. Franticly, Doc dug in his wardrobe, looking for the one piece of technology he had not touched for five years. Underneath a pile of CDs, he finally retrieves the item required. A 7-year old JihadLinker.

"Okay, what's new here? Doc mused as he turned the device on. He was surprised to find a new message. Opening it, he read:

---
To: Technician Forrest King, VRDET
From: Professor Malaclypse, VRDET
Subject: Recall To Action

Technician,

As of 0900 today, you have been recalled to action by Directive 061-ALPHA. Transportation to the Colorado facility will take place at 1200 in the Brisbane facility.
Remember to bring any and all associated technology with you.

Mal
---

"Great, what's the time now?" Doc looked at his watch to see the time was five minutes to nine. "Well, better start packing, that trip is leaving with or without me."
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VRDET R&D Technician Forrest King
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Mal-3
Frustrated Pulp Hero


Joined: 09 Apr 2004
Posts: 147
Location: Denver, CO

PostPosted: Sat Jun 12, 2004 1:08 am    Post subject: Re: Audition - Troop Recall Reply with quote

Well, first audition is up, so it behooves the GM to comment.

Here's my initial quibbles:

1) First and foremost, according to the JU3 game scenario anybody with an inactive or unanswered Linker is considered officially and utterly retired. Nobody short of a JAO head (like Adm. Felton in The Return) would get so much as a followup phone call. If your Linker isn't on to begin with, you ain't getting the recall notice.

2) People who get involved but do not have active Linkers are people who would be in a position to connect with those who do indeed have active Linkers.

3) VRDET does not have a Brisbane facility. It doesn't have any facilities outside the continental United States - because really, with the Gate it doesn't need any.

Okay, that's the bad stuff. Here's what you do to make it better.

There's no sense at all of what Forry's been up to in the five years between the shutdown and the beginnings of JU3. A mention of a company name does not cut it as sufficient backstory.

A better audition piece would be to write a story - doesn't have to be an epic, but a full story regardless - about what Forrest King has done with his post-Jihad life. Look at the stuff in Uneventful Morn and Calm Before as an example of what you should focus on.

Or in other words: Nice shot, but try again and see if you can't improve your aim.
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Doc Forrest
Jihaddi


Joined: 07 May 2004
Posts: 28
Location: Brisbane, Australia

PostPosted: Sat Jun 12, 2004 2:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for your critique. This was only a 10-minute jobbie, but I will improve it regarding your comments.

EDIT: Would it be okay to have an Australian NPC on my end? Just one of the random technicians we used to have.
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VRDET R&D Technician Forrest King
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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2005 11:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yum, B'harnee flavoured troll. Tastes good with barbeque sauce.
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