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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 6:44 am    Post subject: x-posted to uab4d Reply with quote

A youthful man in a black trenchcoat swiftly navigated the familiar
corridors of Spiral Corporation's Denver headquarters. His confident
demeanor was slightly marred by the fact he'd forgotten to shave again.
Through another doorway he went, soon arriving at the desk of
a calm, well-dressed man with a neatly trimmed goatee.

The visitor nodded towards his host. "Good to see you again,
Malaclypse," said the slightly scruffy guest.

The man behind the desk smiled. "Warrior Tangaroa. Let's get to
business, shall we?"

Tangaroa was only too happy to cut the small talk. "What's the deal?"

A holographic map of the British isles appeared on Malaclypse's desk
to highlight his exposition. "My sources recently discovered a wizard
academy hidden away in a corner of England. Here, a secret society
of mages has for centuries been training their children in the arts
of magic."

"Recruitment material," Tangaroa considered.

"Exactly. Currently, they have a position open for a magic teacher.
This is an excellent opportunity for the Jihad, and you've done some
instructing in the past."

"Well, I was an English teacher, not a magic teacher, and it was
only one-to-one tutoring, and I'm not professionally trained
or anything, and technically, it's not even canon. Besides, isn't
that in the Templars' area of operations?"

"It is within the Templars' sphere of influence, but neither of us
are Templars and you are the right Jihaddi for the job. You're well
aware I crossed JAO lines to bring you here."

"I'm honoured."

"You should be. Your tickets, briefing materials, and supplies are
already prepared for you. Minerva will fill you in on the details."

Tangaroa wanted a few more details from Malaclypse before he went
on his way. "What kind of magic teacher are they looking for?
Any specific discipline?"

"You will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Not by example, I hope."

Malaclypse raised an eyebrow and surrendered a wry smile. "Be prepared
for anything."


The grey-haired headmaster pored over Tangaroa's application. "About
your curriculum vitae..." Albus Dumbledore started, drifting off.

"Yes?" Tangaroa asked.

"It consists of your name, and the word 'Classified'."

"I'm sorry. We can't really talk about our operations to non-members."

After the group digested this response, Professor Flitwick spoke up.
"One of the truest measures of a wizard is how well he keeps his wand.
Let us see yours."

"I don't use a wand."

"You... don't use a wand?"

"Never needed one." Tang shrugged.

Professor McGonagall spoke sternly. "You are aware that most of our
curricula, including Defense Against the Dark Arts, are wand-based
studies, and you will be expected to instruct and demonstrate
proper wand handling to our students?"

"With access to your institution's study materials, I'm sure I can
teach myself before the start of classes. It should be no trouble
for a mage such as myself if children can handle it."

Somewhat sneeringly, Severus Snape subsequently spoke. "So, Mr.
Tangaroa, what are your specific qualifications in Defense Against
the Dark Arts?"

"I have an innate defense.. uh, and I can teach others to tap into
and strengthen their innate defenses, if they have any--"

"Any specific defense techniques?" McGonagall interrupted.

Tangaroa took half a moment for thought and responded much more
articulately. "I can teach science-based defenses against elemental
attacks, and to differentiate between environmental magic and purely
magical attacks that these techniques wouldn't work on-"

Snape whipped out his wand and pointed it across the table.

Tangaroa sensed a polarity shift and tried to redirect it into
the closest secondary targets of opportunity, those being the Academy
personnel seated nearest him. The force of Snape's blast knocked him
flat to the floor anyway.

"Some defense," Snape said sarcastically.

A smouldering, spiky-haired Hagrid coughed. "Well, he did deflect
part of the attack."

"Sorry about that." Tangaroa said with a nod to the big man as he
reseated himself. "In addition to the things I've mentioned, I can
bring to the school knowledge of certain unnatural creatures new to
this world."

"Unnatural creatures." Snape smirked skeptically.

"Saethrians, and greater evils. A modern wizard must be able to
cope with these threats. Actually, what I really need to teach
the students is defense against mind control, certain forms of
mind control whose use is increasing around the world these days."

"Thank you, Tangaroa," Dumbledore said. "I believe we've heard
enough to make our decision. If you would step outside?"


Snape was the first to speak after Tangaroa left the room. "I'll
work two jobs if we need to."

"That would wear you out," Hagrid protested.

"I don't think that will be necessary," Dumbledore said.

"You heard him," Snape said. "Non-answers, making things up as
needed, padding his resume with mysterious vague references to
things that, if they existed, our wizards would have discovered
centuries ago."

"There are many mysteries in the world," Dumbledore said
mysteriously, "including many new mysteries. It would not surprise
me if he could shed some light for us on things that were recently

"I can sense that he _is_ a powerful wizard," Flitwick offered.

"Sort of like Harry Potter," Snape said derisively, "with half
the maturity at twice the age."

Flitwick continued pondering. "Whether his powers in wizardry
translate into truly knowing magic and being able to teach it...
that is another mystery."

"As an American, he might be able to bring a unique perspective
on magic to this school," McGonagall suggested.

"Also," Dumbledore noted, "We must consider that we've had so many
problems with Defense Against the Dark Arts instructors these past
few years that no wizard in England is willing to take the job."

"Except me," Snape pointed out.

McGonagall quickly parried. "And there are no mothers in England
willing to have you teach Defense Against the Dark Arts to their

Snape rested his chin in his hand. "Because I look so scary. Maybe
I should get a kitten."

= Harry Potter and the Jihad Against Barney =

Harry Potter's uncle Vernon was yelling at him as usual.

"Scrub the floor! Wash the dishes! Do your chores! Faster!
If you don't work hard enough, I'll buy a horse just so you can
shovel out the stables!"

Harry stood up and put his hands on his hips. "Hey, I'm a wizard.
I don't have to take any of this."

"I'll beat you!"

"You'll beat off if you know what's good for you, you lazy fop."

"Why, you--"

"Besides, I'll be going to Hogwarts in a week anyway. You won't
have to put up with me for another year."

Vernon seethed with anger and walked away.



Tangaroa's wand turned to splinters and sawdust. He grabbed another,
studied the spellbook, and tried again.


The wand shattered and the remnants burned to tiny cinders
on the floor. Tangaroa grabbed yet another wand and tried again.


The next day, Tangaroa carted a medium-sized crate into his office
and pried off the lid. He pulled out the first of 160 wands...


Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, and Gregory Goyle walked into a room
on the train, carrying their suitcases in their hands and sweets in
their mouths -- except Gregory, who was munching on a carrot stick.
They started loading their luggage into the overhead compartments.

"Here, have a licorice pop," Vincent offered to Gregory. "I've got

"No thanks," Gregory said. "I've got to keep myself healthy, and
that means watching what I eat."

One of Gregory's bags fell to the floor as he tried to load it
up top, and a Barney doll tumbled out.

"You have a *Barney doll*!?" Draco said in amused astonishment
as Vincent snickered behind him.

"Barney's cool!" Gregory insisted. "My little cousin introduced
me to him..."

Draco and Vincent didn't stop laughing all the way to Hogwarts.


Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley stepped onto
the Hogwarts campus to begin their new year.

"I wonder who our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is
going to be this year?" Harry thought out loud.

"It's usually some kind of freak," Ron said.

"The last I heard they couldn't get anybody," Hermione gossipped,
"and Professor Snape was going to teach the course this year."

"Yeah," Ron said, "some kind of freak."

A series of sharp pops, like small explosions, echoed from the lake
behind the academy.

"What was that?" Hermione asked.

The three rushed over to see what was causing the noise. As they
crested a rise, they caught sight of the source.

A man in a black trenchcoat stood by the lake shore with several
small trunks at his feet, some opened, some closed. He kicked
a closed one and its lid popped up, loosing a Golden Snitch which
buzzed up into the air on its thin wings. The Snitch spun around
just as the man pulled out his .38, then it turned and bolted off
in the opposite direction as if it knew what was coming.

Harry sighed. "Waste of a good Snitch." The others nodded.
"Five quid says that's our new teacher," Harry continued.
The others nodded.


Soon, it was the first day of classes at Hogwarts.

"Hello, students. My name is Cecrops Tangaroa, and I am your Defense
Against the Dark Arts professor for this year. Now, as the great
Vince Lombardi said, the best defense is a good offense, so we're
going to start you off with a little-"

Hermione Granger raised her hand and started talking without
waiting to be called on. "Actually, that was said by legendary
Ohio State University coach Woody Hayes... wait, are you meaning
to teach us the Dark Arts?"

"Perhaps... and interrupting a professor is five points from
Gryffindor, though I might reduce that if it turns out you're right."


"I see your studies aren't going so well," Severus Snape said
to Tangaroa as he saw the half-empty crate of wands and
the wastebasket full of sawdust in the new professor's quarters.

"Yes, well, things will pick up," Tangaroa lazily insisted, leaning
back in his chair and swallowing the chunk of hamburger in his mouth.

"You've gotten ketchup stains on the the spellbooks!" Snape said
in astonishment. "These are irreplaceable relics handed down from

"Mm." Tangaroa grunted in mid-gulp and calmly waved a hand over
the book as Snape was yelling at him. The stain disappeared,
quieting the black-haired wizard. Tang then put down the hamburger
and grabbed a napkin with his other hand. "Actually, Severus,"
Tangaroa said while wiping the lifted ketchup off his hand,
"I need your help to teach an important part of my Defense Against
the Dark Arts curriculum."

"And not merely the whole class?"

"No," Tang said, chuckling even though he knew Snape wasn't joking.
"What I need you for is some mental impressioning of the students."

"That *is* a dark art! What are you planning to do to these
children? And you do know that Dumbledore will hear of this."

"Oh, it's nothing that serious", Tang said, "I just need to relay
a spoken thought to them so that they will know to recognize it.
Just three words heard in the mind. No side effects, nothing
harmful. Where I need you is to keep it nothing harmful."
Tangaroa sat upright and looked Snape in the eye. "You know,
Severus, perhaps better than anyone else here so it doesn't
matter to tell you, that I don't have the greatest degree of
control over my powers. If I were to try this spell myself,
I could hurt someone. That's why I need you."

Snape was taken aback by Tang's honesty, but still very offended
by the idea. "We shall definitely have to talk this over with

"Yes, that's why I asked him to come. He should be here
any minute."


"I'm not doing it!" Snape insisted. "This is ludicrous!"

"Hmm... Do you know of dragons, Tangaroa?" Dumbledore asked.

"I know a few," Tangaroa said. "Zaphyre, Shadur, Aristalarus."

"What do dragons have to do with this?" Snape snapped.

"Patience, Severus," Dumbledore said, then turned back to Tangaroa.
"Are those new types of dragons, or...?"

"Types?" Tang asked. "I thought you meant personally. I didn't
know dragons came in types."

"Yes, they do," Dumbledore chuckled. "There are water dragons
both sea and freshwater, forest dragons, sand dragons, sky dragons
so light they rarely touch the ground, the rarest star dragons which
sometimes visit us from beyond the heavens, shadow dragons whose
detection eludes even skilled wizards unless they want to be seen...
A year ago, the elder brother of one of our students came upon
a dying Romanian mountain dragon. This dragon had its side torn
apart, burst open just as if by the attack of this type of creature
which you claim is one of those new to this world. This dragon's
last four words were "stop", and those three words which you say are
part of the beast's attack. I believe you are honest in describing
this new creature, and it would be good of Professor Snape to assist
you in preparing the class to defend against it."

"I still don't like this," Snape said. "I'll let you know when
I've made my decision." With that, he hastily left the room.

"Hmm." Dumbledore more calmly walked towards the exit, then stopped
as something caught his attention. "Is that a coffee stain on this

"Yeah. It was thirsty."

"Ah, yes. This one gets that way sometimes."


Tangaroa led the students out into a fairly open area not too far
from the main Hogwarts building and had them stand a few feet apart.

"I've called you out here for a special exercise today, but first I
want you to remember what I said about Jello Beasts in the classroom
yesterday. Who can tell me how you can defend against their air burst
attack without using any magic?"

Hermione raised a hand. Tang pointed to her, and she spoke.
"The Jello Beast uses an active detection spell, like sonar,
to detect its targets. Even people with no magical abilities can
sense when they are being detected. Fortunately, there is a delay
between when you hear the spell and when the Jello Beast gets
the message back that it has seen you. Because of this delay,
and a further delay in the Jello Beast's casting its attack spell,
if you're quick enough, you can--"

Suddenly, Hermione stopped talking as the entire group of students
felt the coarse voice of Professor Snape whispering in their minds:

o/~ I luv you... o/~

The students panicked, some bolting and diving, others standing
in wide-eyed shock. Tangaroa momentarily touched a hand to his
forehead as a slight headache took on, then refocused his
attention on his pupils and smiled. "Okay. You, you, you, you,
you, you, and you are dead."

"What?" protested an officially deceased student. "That wasn't fair!"

"Neither is war," Tangaroa said.


"That was Snape's voice today," Hermione pointed out to Harry and
Ron as they walked away from class. "I think we should visit him
and ask about who this Professor Tangaroa is."

"What for?" Ron asked.

Hermione continued her thoughts. "If this Tangaroa is in league
with he who should not be named, then we should be ready for it
when he tries to do something."

"Maybe he who should not be named isn't going to do anything this
year." Harry suggested.

"Yeah!" Ron agreed. "Maybe nobody's going to try to kill Harry
this year, and we just have a weird teacher."

"I think we should ask about him just to be on the safe side,"
Hermione said. Coincidentally, they had just arrived at Snape's
office, so she knocked on the door. "Professor Snape?"

The door unlatched itself and slowly creaked open on its own.
The three students quietly stepped into Snape's office, greeted by
the back of a tall chair on the opposite side of Snape's desk.
The chair revolved around -- even though it hadn't built as a
revolving chair, but this is Hogwarts, so no big deal there -- and
revealed an offsettingly calm and serene Severus Snape reclining
comfortably in the chair, slowly petting a white kitten.

"Why, hello students," Snape smiled. "I wasn't expecting the
pleasure of seeing you here. What can I do for you?"

The wide-eyed students stood frozen in shock and fear. "Umm...
Professor Snape.." Hermione started.

"Yes..?" Snape smiled, gently scritching the kitten behind its ears.

"We would like to ask you about our new professor, Professor Tangaroa.
Is he in league with he should not be named?"

"Barney?" asked Tangaroa, who was suddenly standing behind them.
"Oops, I shouldn't have mentioned his name. That just makes him
more powerful."

"No, Voldemort," said Ron. "Oops, I shouldn't have mentioned his
name either. Same reason."


Deep in the darkest dungeons underneath Hogwarts, there was
a momentary flash of lightning and Barney the Dinosaur appeared.

"Yes! By the loose tongue of some fool who spoke my name, I gained
just enough power to finally return to this world, a world that I
shall now rule forever! This time no one will stop me, least of all
the Jihad! Huh-hyulk!"

There was another flash of lightning, and Voldemort appeared.

"Yes! By the loose tongue of some fool who spoke my name, I gained
just enough power to finally return to this world, a world that I
shall now rule forever! This time no one will stop me, least of all
Harry Potter! Ha ha.. huh?"

Voldemort was surprised to feel a talon tapping him on the shoulder.
He turned around and looked up into a demonic lizardine maw filled
with tooth.

"Hi, there! Hyulk! Would you like to be my special friend?"


A high-pitched whine echoed across the Hogwarts library and a bright
light reached to the ceiling as the scanner's electronic eye passed
over the book Tangaroa was holding down on it. When the machine had
finished its job, Tang turned over the book and compared the runes
etched upon its pages to the blank image that came up on his laptop
computer. "Okay, you bastard, I'm getting you one way or another."

'Want to bet?', the markings rearranged themselves to.

Tang placed the book on the glass again, slightly adjusting the magic
he was using on it to try to overpower it. "Reveal yourself!" he
commanded, which wasn't part of the spell but just felt right to say.
When the scanner was done, he looked at the result on the computer
screen. 'Help!' the image said.

"Very funny." Tangaroa said. "I like a book with a sense of humour."
He turned over the book and nearly dropped it in shock.

'I luv you'. The markings quickly rearranged themselves, then jumbled
between messages as if in conflict. 'You weakened me'. 'Barney luvs
you'. 'I can't fight it anymore'. 'You luv Barney'.

Tangaroa dug out headphones from his carrying bag, hooked them to
the computer, placed the ears on the book, and set XMMS to play
Guns and Roses - You Could Be Mine at high volume. After the good
riff leading into the lyrics, Tang removed the headphones.

'You call that music these days?' the book now read.

"What happened?" Tang asked angrily. "Were you playing around?"

'It's back.'

"Where is it coming from?"

'It's everywhere.'

It was. Tang noticed it too. He dropped the book and dashed out of
the room, pushing buttons on his Jihadlinker. Once he opened a link,
he started reporting. "Message for Mal, CC to Triums. We may have
a major situation on our hands..."


Harry and Ron returned to the Gryffindor dormitory with smirks on
their faces, Ron several steps ahead of Harry who was carrying his
books flat in front of him in an abnormally careful and steady manner.

Ron rushed forward and fetched Hermione. "Hey! Hermione!"

Harry began unwrapping the Invisibility Cloak from the bundle
on top of his books, revealing a succulent triple-layer chocolate
cake with thick fudge frosting and enough forks, plates, and napkins
to serve to a small party.

Hermione's eyes went wide. "You walked off with half a triple
chocolate cake!"

Harry grinned. "We actually walked off with a whole cake, but then
Ron and I sat down. In short, there are plenty of leftovers if you
want them."

"No, thanks," Hermione declined. "I absolutely gorged myself on
a banana split, and I don't think I have room for a single bite."

"You should still have room for a slice of cake," Harry offered.

"Especially cake this good!" Ron added.

"Well..." Hermione explained, "it was the third banana split that
I gorged myself on. The first two were just for practice."

The three of them being fully satiated, Harry offered the cake
to the rest of the house. "Does anybody want some chocolate cake?
We've got plenty here."

Surprisingly, nobody rushed over to take them up on the offer.

"It's really good cake, guys!" Ron pleaded. "And we risked a lot
of trouble to steal it for us!"

One of their classmates shouted back. "No way! Cake is un-Hellthy,
and Barney says we need to eat Hellthy snacks!"

As the rest of the dorm milled about carrying Barney dolls under
their arms and, in some cases, sucking their thumbs, Ron turned
to Harry. "Have you noticed something odd about our housemates

Hermione answered. "I've noticed it these past few days."

"Yeah..." Harry said. "It's strange. I think we should go
see Dumbledore."

"Is it that important?" Hermione asked.

The house began singing the Hellwyrm Chant.

"Yes," Harry said, standing. "We definitely need to get out of here."


Tang and Snape nearly collided into each other as they arrived at
Dumbedore's chambers in similar hurries from opposite directions.

"What is going on here?" Snape angrily queried the new teacher.

"I'd like to know too. I need to see Dumbledore." Tang lunged past
Snape and pushed open the door.

A bleary-eyed Dumbledore was slumped back in a chair, a mostly
empty bottle of whiskey perched on his lap.

"Good!" Tangaroa said. "You remembered that alcohol holds back
the effects of the demon's enchantments."

"Mmh. Yes," Dumbledore mumbled, "of course."

"What is causing this?" Snape asked.

Tangaroa quickly interjected. "I know what's causing it, where's
it coming from?"

"The basement," Dumbledore wearily answered. "These evil things
always come from the basement."

Just then, Harry, Hermione, and Ron showed up. "What's going on?"
Harry asked.

Snape glowered. "We should ask Professor Tangaroa."

Tang reached inside his coat. "You kids had your dessert for
the night? Or maybe coffee? Or tea?"

The three held their stomachs as Ron spoke for them. "Believe me,
we've had dessert for the night and the last few we missed."

Tangaroa produced a bottle of Jolt and handed it to Snape.
"Here. This will help. Which way to the basement?"

Snape stared at the offering for a confused moment before accepting
it and starting off out the door. "This way."

As they walked down the great stairway, the enchanted paintings
shouted out enticements. "Barney loves you!" "We all love Barney!"
"Won't you be Barney's special friend?"

"Let's hurry up." Tang said. The group double-timed it as
the paintings collectively began singing the Hellwyrm Chant.

"It's a demon from another dimension." Tang explained once they
were far enough away from the noise. "He uses the song as a way of
controlling the minds of mortals, but I've never seen it like this
before. It's like his powers are somehow being amplified, like by
another powerful being."

"Voldemort." Harry said.


Soon enough, they came to a locked door leading down into the deeper
sectors of the basement. Snape pointed his wand at the barrier
and shouted the spell "ALOHOMORA!" Instead of it opening the door,
a bolt of energy shot from the lock and threw his wand out of his
hand. "It's magically sealed," Snape concluded, turning to reach
for his wand on the floor. "I'll have to use a more powerful spell."

Tang started forward, one hand raised towards the door. "Let's
see if I could..."

"I know a more powerful spell!" Hermione volunteered. Tangaroa
obligingly stepped back. Hermione pointed her wand at the door
and shouted her spell. "UNLAUGKUM DADAMDORUM!" The latch burst
apart and the door flew open as if it had been hit by a powerful

Snape raised his eyebrows. "And where did a little girl like you
learn such powerful words as those?"

Tangaroa answered. "I often see her in the library when I'm, uh,
studying. She's a good student."

Snape raised his eyebrows even further. "You've been giving her access
to the advanced materials? There are things that can warp a witch's
mind if she's young and unprepared."

"She's a good student." Tangaroa shrugged.

Hermione added to Tang's simple defense. "We both study a lot.
I often see Professor Tangaroa scanning... scanning over our
older books, so he knows what kind of a threat they might pose
to students."

"Yes," Tangaroa continued. "And we made an agreement that I'll let
her read advanced texts that I've determined are mostly harmless,
under my supervision, of course."

"Hmm." Snape turned and led the group forward into the deeper levels
of the Hogwarts basement. Away from the residents, the Hellwyrm Chant
grew softer and more manageable, and there was less of a chance they'd
get jumped from behind by some recently spongified wizard. That's why
it was a total surprise when the lights went out.

"Harry is mine!" shouted an angry voice.

"But I love children!" shouted an annoying voice.

"LUMOS MAXIMUS!" shouted four other voices in unison. For Tang's part,
he silently cast a few light ball spells of his own manufacture.


When the darkness cleared, Snape and Tangaroa found themselves facing
Voldemort, with the children -- and B'harnii -- nowhere to be seen.
Snape and Voldemort quick-drew their wands.

"EXPELLIARMUS!" Snape shouted, the disarming spell knocking
Voldemort's wand out of his hand. However, Voldemort had already
drawn a second wand with his other hand and soon shouted a spell
at the target he knew, Snape. "EXPELLIARMUS!"

Snape was thrown backwards several feet, wondering in his
moment in the air why a disarming spell always did this to him
before he landed with an uncomfortable thud. Voldemort aimed
at the other wizard and repeated the spell. "EXPELLIARMUS!"

Tang raised an arm and cast his Shield spell, expecting to hear
the sound of an impact hitting it. Instead, he heard the click
of his wand hitting the ceiling after having leapt vertically
from his belt. Tang dropped the shield, caught the wand as it fell,
and returned it his belt.

"A natural," Voldemort curiously inspected his opposition. "You don't
even reach for your wand to attack or defend yourself."

"I don't need it to take care of you," Tang boasted.

"Such impressive bluster," Voldemort grinned. "However, I've picked
up some tricks while I was on the other side. You'll find that I don't
need my wand either." He put his wand away, crouched, and cupped his
hands together at one hip. "I should warn you; your little shield
isn't going to protect you from this one. KAME..." An energy ball
formed between Voldemort's hands, and grew as he chanted the rest of
the spell. "HA...ME..."

Tangaroa plucked his wand from his belt, twirled it in his fingers,
and leveled it at Voldemort. "EXPECTO PATRONUM." The Patronum
shot out from his wand in a a great silvery burst, overpowering
Voldemort's Kame-Hameha wave and throwing the villain against
the wall.

Snape quickly threw an enchanted empty spellbook at the stunned
Voldemort and followed up with his own spell. "BOOKIM DANO!"
The evil wizard screamed as he was sucked into the pages of
the tome, imprisoned forever or at least until the next movie.

"Good job," Tangaroa said. "Let's check up on the kids."

"Nice Patronum," Snape remarked to Tang. "That must have been a
very good memory."

"She was really hot," Tang explained.

"What's her name?" Snape asked.

Tang stopped to think. "I don't remember. Damn it." He reached
inside his coat for a chocolate bar and started unwrapping it.
"She's going to kill me if I can't remember her name."


"Hello, boys and girls!" B'harnii grinned as he surveyed his
latest potential victims. "I love children. H-hyulk! You're going
to be my newest special friends!"

Harry glowered at the Hellwyrm. "We won't be friends to any ally
of Voldemort."

"Aww, you're not being happy! We'll need to turn that frown upside
down!" B'harnii started dancing. "Sing along! o/` I luv you...
you luv me... o/`"

"It hurts!" Hermione winced and crouched, covering her ears.

"This'll knock the wind out of him!" Ron shouted. "FLIPENDO!"

The fat lizard's belly rumbled a bit as the spell hit him.
The demon stared at Ron and smiled a toothy grin. "Now it's
my turn!" B'harnii lunged forward and swung an arm into Ron,
throwing him fifteen feet down the hall.

"RON!" Hermione shouted, then turned to Harry. "We'll have to use
the new spells that Professor Tangaroa taught us!"

"Aww! My bestest friends don't want to cast those mean spells!
Let's play a game!"

From the ground, Ron picked up his wand and shouted a spell.
"DISHWALLA!" A burst of water shot out at B'harnii, swirling
around the purple lizard before spilling to the ground in a foam.
Ron looked up at the others' quizzical expressions. "It's a new

The dripping wet demon spat out a mouthful of sudsy water and raised
its claws at Ron. "You'll find I'll much prefer the flavor of your
innards!" B'harnii roared and charged.

Hermione swished her wand in great arcs as she expertly chanted
the long and complex spell. "INUUGA DADAVEEDA!"

"What!?" B'harnii exclaimed as dozens of strong magical effects
flittered in circles around him, pushing against him as he struggled
to move in any direction.

Finally, Harry raised his wand at the bloated beast. The wind
swept up around the young wizard, dramatically tossing his hair
about as he shouted the magic words. "METALICA KIXYORAS!"

"NOOOOOO!" the trapped Hellwyrm shouted as its physical being
faded into transparency and finally disappeared.

Just then, Snape and Tangaroa jogged into the chamber.

"Is everyone all right?" Snape asked.

"I seem to be," Ron said, picking himself up off the floor.

"Where's the demon?" Tang asked.

"Harry sent him back into his own dimension!" Hermione gleefully

"Excellent." Tang smiled, and pulled out his JihadLinker to give
Mal the good news. "I'll need report this in to my people... Hmm.
I probably don't get reception down here."

Hermione pointed her wand at the 'Linker. "CELLULUS MAXIMUS."

Tang was surprised to see the 'Linker establish a working connection.

Snape merely raised an eyebrow and smiled. "You kids and your crazy
new spells."


So, in the end, Tang recruited a bunch of extras who were hardly in
the movie before. He was disappointed that Harry, Hermione, and Ron
decided to finish their schooling at Hogwarts instead of joining
the Jihad, as they would have made excellent Jihaddi -- well,
at least Harry and Hermione would -- but it didn't really matter
since the whole thing was destined to be retconned anyway.
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Joined: 10 Jun 2004
Posts: 7
Location: o/~ In the Navy... o/~

PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well. That's definitely one of the sillier HP fanfics I've read.
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Joined: 09 Apr 2004
Posts: 57
Location: The bubble

PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote


I... wow.

CATULLUS: Of course. This way people can call Caesar “Commander Cocksucker” out loud and it’s okay, because they’re not the ones calling Caesar a cocksucker, they’re just quoting that wacky Catullus. I can’t help it if I’m the voice of the people.
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the so-called admin

Joined: 08 Apr 2004
Posts: 180
Location: California, the land of fruits and nuts

PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 9:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote


And yes, Snape does need a kitty. (Hey, it worked for Dominic in the In Nomine setting...)

the one and only truly amazing katster * the so-called admin
she who wears too many hats
"et lux in tenebris lucet et tenebrae eam non conprehenderunt" --John 1:5
"these are the days of miracle and wonder" -Paul Simon, "The Boy in the Bubble"
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Elena, aka Leto Bucher

Joined: 13 Mar 2005
Posts: 67
Location: Waldemar, ON

PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 5:44 pm    Post subject: ??? Reply with quote





*insane laughter is heard in the distance*
Mors Principium Est
Remember... PILLAGE before you BURN!
“Usually I ask only two questions- what are we dealing with and how do I kill it."
Everything I know I learned from killing smart people and eating their brains Wink
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Joined: 09 Apr 2004
Posts: 91
Location: Wisconsin! Bleh.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 9:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You did *not* just make a DBZ reference.

Veni, Vidi, Gallinas Praestigias Egi. Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.

Do you know what the Buddha looks like?
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